I walked ozzy without my headscarf and I also to and from dance without it. Is four months too much of time to wear it, or not enough? People have said, "It's your thing now." I don't even know what it is, but I don't want to wear it Saturday (Halloween).
If I was wearing more revealing clothing I wonder if I would get more attention from boys? Actually no, I don't notice much of a difference from the boys in my grade. Maybe I would get more compliments if I had my hair all done, revealingish clothes, and a face full of makeup. If I looked like that would I get more compliments? I don't think I get less compliments. Last night a guy on the street called me gorgeous... would he still have said that if I dressed more revealing? Is it bad to attract people with your body? I was interviewed by Gabby today. It was cool to finally say what I've been thinking all this time. I want to look "good", is that bad? Should I not care so much about vanity? Even hijabis wear makeup. What's the difference between wearing makeup and wearing a tight dress? Is it only because it says in a holy text that women can't wear tight things? The bible tells us to not adorn ourselves in fancy things. Really we should all have no vanity and wear plain things, and not spend a lot of money. None of us are living our religions right... or is there no right way, or are we picking and choosing what we want to follow in our religion? I think people look at me the same amount. Today on the subway I had a religious crisis. I thought I was a muslim for a moment and I smiled so at this women wearing a hijab. She def was confused a bit, but she smiled. I could tell she was ready to say salam but I didn't say it. I think I just wanted to have a connection with a hijabi. But, I'm not a hijabi so I guess I gotta chill. Style is weird. I hate when I feel like I look like a potato or that I'm not good enough. I just want to be worthy of someone's love. But, I should feel security in God's love. I'm in love with like thirty different people. Some are realistic and others are just not or very random. I want to feel validated. But, maybe it's more than that. Maybe I seek an overwhelming connection. With hijabis, God, boys. I seek connection and validation. Isn't that what a crush is though... wanting that person to validate you or their love for you. Can you be "ok" with God but still seek human validation?
This summer I found a blog written by Hoda Katebiand a hijabi and she states, "“Screw society's standards of beauty. Wear whatever makes you personally happy and confident. Wear what defines you as a person, not hides you as an object.” This basically sums up my entire capstone. I have gotten comfortable wearing a headscarf and dressing modestly, but I know it is not fully who I am. It doesn't define who I am. My style is wearing whatever I want and I cant wait until I can do that. I'm always changing my mind, so I don't want to be confined. Do I even want to be defined.
I think people have forgotten I have hair. Is it going to be weird to not wear this head scarf everyday?
Malala is inspiring and I love how she is modest. Inspired me to be modest. But, also women like Kali Uchis inspire me too. Women who aren't afraid to be who they are inspire me. I want to be fearless and unafraid of I am/want to be.
I feel like I don't really know where I'm going with me dressing modestly. Like I don't know how to fit that into my project, besides how it makes me reflect on myself and this way of life. I love modest style, but I also love the freedom of being able to wear whatever I want. I don't think modesty is something you can just jump into, it is something you have to have a serious conviction about. The world is such an odd extraordinary place and you can be any one you desire to be, but it only matters if you are staying true to who you are. For me it's who Gods want me to be.
A guy check me out today. Headscarf and all. Does the headscarf & modest dress really change anything? I was feeling very confident. Maybe it was that. The other day I didn't wear my scarf, and it was strange. It feels slightly similar to how I felt when I first started wearing the headscarf. Expect, now I feel slightly naked, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Naked can also mean new or freedom.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the grossness of our minds and life that we forget when we are happy. It's hard to pin point it sometimes because it is easier to think about all the bad stuff. Something that makes me so happy is singing worship in church or just in general. It's when I feel my best self. I want to discover what makes people happy and when they feel their best self. Does how we dress affect if we can be our best self?
I want to dress and be so many different things. I know I can dress modestly if I want to, but I don't feel like I have to dress modest ALL the time. Just like how I shouldn't have to shave my legs all the time or put on makeup. I have options. All women should have options. Being modest takes so much time. It has almost become a weird random burden. Dressing modestly is a part of other peoples live, but it seems like it is accidentally a part of mine.
Something I wonder: Do guys look at me less? Is there a difference?
Yesterday morning was the first time I kinda liked wearing the headscarf. I do like being modest. Sometimes I feel less noticed and sometimes I like that. I feel the same me in my mind, words, but at times I also feel like I am closed in a box. Even when I enjoy the modest clothing I am wearing, I wouldn't want to wear that everyday. I miss having options of wearing other styles and clothing.
This boy said, " You've been wearing that thing on your head for like forty days now." He even reached out his hand to touch it. I quickly dodged the unwanted touch and I proceeded to explain my capstone to him. When suddenly, the weirdest thing exited his mouth. He said to me, "So are you doing this to flirt with boys or something?" WHAT. This was the weirdest response I ever got. But, I'm so glad he did because I think he assumed that if I was trying to be more modest than I was like looking for a husband or something, I don't even know. His comment didn't make sense.
I really don't want to wear this anymore. I feel like my research is pointless. Did I not think this through? "Doesn't really matter much because it's going to be winter anyway." - My peers
I don't feel much different and I feel like this is lacking a point.
Um, also I hate making Youtube videos so that's not happening.